Such a loss

Tonight I lost a near and dear friend. I am positively numb right now. I can't feel anything. My arms, my legs, my head...all numb. I don't want to sleep & I can't believe that he isn't here anymore. I can't believe that I'll never hug him again. I'll never hear his laughter or see his smile. I'll never watch him saunter/strut around the grounds at church anymore. I don't know if this hurts the same or more than it did when I lost my step-dad. My step-dad was sick for a year before he died. My friend was sick for 2 weeks. And now he's gone. I was talking to him last night, going over the football scores, and tonight he's gone. I gave him a hug and a kiss last night before I left his room, and tonight he's gone. All I feel is that he's gone. I've lost. His wife has lost. His kids have lost. His grand kids have lost. He was my extra dad. My backup plan. I dreamed of him walking me down the aisle if I ever got married (since my dad & I don't have the best relationship). I dreamed of him holding my future children and caring for them and being an example to them of what it really meant to be a strong, black, caring man. Now I have none of that. I didn't have 1 dream for my near future that he wasn't in. I feel like I've lost a part of me. A piece of my heart. He means so much to me and now he's gone. And I'm at a loss. I don't even know what else to say. I spent the whole day helping his family and I'm just getting to deal with me. I feel alone. Empty. Lost.

Breaking Dawn (Spoilers!!)

So I finished the last novel in the Twilight series last night & I must say, I really enjoyed it. Coming from my standpoint, I can't see why so many people had issues with this final book. My only "issue" so-to-speak is that it was sooo long. She could have truly gotten 2 or even 3 books out of that 1 novel. But she chose not to & I read it so...issue squashed. There were many things I truly liked about this story. Number 1, it goes so easily into non-sleeping vampire Bella that I didn't realize for a long while that, while Jacob and the baby slept, she didn't. Duh, that's part of the vampire twist in this book! I loved the whole birth and changing scene! It did great for allowing me to use my imagination and I actually it twice. The other transition that was so smooth that I almost missed it was them calling Bella's ability to block out everyone, or not be read by anyone, a "shield." By the time I realized it they were prepping for battle. I could keep going on. The battle/showdown was really good and gave a distinct look at the corruption of the volturri and an understanding of why Carlisle decided to part their company years ago. So, without giving too much away, the book was really good. Even though I didn't want to see the series end, the ending felt like the end. Like there was no need to go any further and no need to know anything else. After all, once Edward, Bella, Renesmee & Jacob are safe & all happily ever after, what else is there? How much attention could be gathered & kept in a story about any of the other characters, including Renesmee & Jacob, without Bella & Edward? I might pick the book up, but I don't know if I'm going to get that far in reading it. I read the whole book & the only part I truly focused on of Jacob's story was Renesmee's birth...because that involved Bella. Now don't get me wrong, I remember his whole story, but his voice, his mindset wasn't as enthralling as Bella's. So, I'm going to let this go. All in all, I am glad that I decided to pick the books up and read them. I'm glad they were different from the other stories out there and I'm glad I read and remember them from cover to cover...I think! Next...The Passage by John Cronin. There are a few books in between, but that's the next vampire book I'm slated to read.

Can't All Be The Same

So, one of the things I have noticed as I read books & read reviews of books by regular readers just like me is that many people complain or take issue with the fact that books are not written as they expect or as they want them to be written. Now, don't get me wrong, a bad read is a bad read, any way you slice it, but a good or decent read that has deviated from the norm is not a reason to trash a book...is it? Case in point, I have been reading the Twilight series by Stephanie Meyer & am on the 4Th book right now. My only issue with the book is that it is sooooo long! It truly could have been 3 books. And I have found myself needing to take a break after reading it for 3 1/2 days & not being done yet! That doesn't normally happen. I read The Good House by Tananarive Due cover to cover until I was done. Granted it took me about 3 weeks to do so, but I did it without feeling tired or overwhelmed by the story. To be completely honest, the only thing that is overwhelming me about Breaking Dawn is that I truly want to know what happens at the end of the book without flipping ahead (reading on my Kindle keeps me from doing that). Now I haven't finished the book, but as I read the reviews from others who have, I pretty much see the same complaints all the way around: Its not believable because its so different from other vampire stories; it's harder to enjoy because Bella seems so desperate, etc. Other people have just said its a piece of shit and they hated it (mind you they read and/or bought the 3 others). My point is this: Why or HOW can you enjoy reading the same thing over & over again? One of the things that I appreciate about the book is that it is different from the typical vampire stories. BTW, let me clarify that vampires are not real, so criticizing a fictional story for being unrealistic is just retarded! But, back to my point, these stories are written differently, primarily because of the audience that they were written for. Typically, a vamp bite with the exchange of blood does the trick for conversion. Typically, vampires are extremely sexual beings (excluding Louie from the dear Anne Rice) & are very much into satisfaction and are able to do so without damaging their guest for the night. But in this series, there's no need for the exchange of blood, there are "vegetarian" vamps who can't have sex with humans because they may break them to bits. I say this to say that I think readers (movie watchers, TV viewers, etc.) should be careful of how they criticize and what they criticize for. It seems a little counterproductive to complain & shoot down a book because the author chose to tell a story in a different way or create a story like no one has ever heard before. Isn't that what art is all about? And to add to that, I think that the complaints that folk have would be lessened greatly if the series were not such a hit. We still are a society that works to shoot down that which is lifted up, regardless of who it impacts. Having said that, let me make it clear, there are books I have read that have not enjoyed. But that is primarily because they were not written well. However, there are other readers who don't agree with me. For example, I read Timothy McCann's Forever & that was enough to let me know I didn't want to read anything else by him. On the other hand, I read The Other Woman by Eric Jerome Dickey on a loan, loved it, went out and bought Genevieve...didn't love it so much. I don't know where I wanted to go with that now, but I think my point is that some you take, some you leave, but just because you want to leave it, doesn't mean that it won't be taken by someone else.

More

This past weekend I went to a jazz fest here in Richmond. Let me preface this by saying I have never...NEVER...been to a jazz fest before in my life! As much as I love jazz & as much as I have listened to jazz I have had the opportunity to see it played live, in person, played by its original composer/musician little to no times. I'm sitting here trying to think of one time and, beyond seeing Anita Baker back in the 90's, I am coming up empty. The reason why has nothing to do with money & everything to do with timing. For some reason, the majority of the jazz fests that take place around my locale tend to fall on the 3rd Sunday, which is the Sunday I sing at my church. I'm don't like to miss that because its the one thing that I LOOOOVE to offer God whenever I can. Anywho, I was able to go to this one because it was in my city and I was able to rehearse & sing on Saturday & Sunday and still go and I had wonderful friends who were willing to foot the bill for me, as my funds were awfully low. So this past weekend I got to see Norman Brown, Chaka Kahn, Chuck Mangione & Boney James. All artists whom I have listened to for years and 2 of whom I have adored & treasured since I was a kid (Chaka & Chuck). On top of that, I was able to see and hear some people I've never heard before. Marcus Johnson, who's an awesome pianist. Ledisi, of whom I have heard but never really listened to because I don't like listening to the radio (too much repeat, too many commercials, too little variety). So overall, this past weekend was great (how many times have I said this?), but I came to the realization that I need more weekends like this. I don't get out enough. I don't allow myself to take advantage of the opportunities around me often enough for me to benefit from them in any way. I spend so much time doing things that don't really have anything to do with me & that would continue to function whether I was there or not, and not enough time doing things that I really would enjoy doing. Things that are different. Things that I need to do. I spend a lot of time thinking about what is and what isn't in my life. Where I am versus where I would like to be, held up against where I thought I would be by now. While I know there is nothing that I can do to change what has been done, I know that if I don't want my future to be the same as my past (which isn't bad) I need to change, I need to invite change & I need to accept change. I need to save for the shows I want to see. I need to save for the other jazz fests that happen withing 90 miles of my front door and make the time to go to them & enjoy them. I've been wanting to do the Dave Koz cruise for almost 4 years now. WHY HAVEN'T I GONE??? Partly because of the costs but mostly because I think about it, something else comes up and I push it to the side, never to think about it again until I hear about it on his web show. This has to stop! I have got to stop saying "I wanna" & start saying "I'm gonna" & frigging follow through. That's my commitment to myself. Rant over. Mind clear. Planning will commence tomorrow.

When Panic Sets In

Sooo this weekend I went to Boston for a reunion. First things first, I had an AWESOME time. It was my 1st time to Boston and there was so much to do in such a little bit of time, but I didn't feel too overwhelmed. It was a wonderful getaway...until I tried to get home. It is no secret to anyone that I hate flying...with a passion! I've been terrified of flying since I was a kid and PanAm starting dropping out of the sky and that plane of kids going to Europe crashed in the ocean. They never found all of the plane. Just bits & pieces. Anyway, those are the thoughts that plague my mind when the idea of flying crosses my mind. Waaaaaay in the back is the fear of a 9/11-type of event. Those unexplained crashes that nobody sees coming and no one understands, they stick out. Anyway, so I had fully prepped myself mentally & emotionally for taking an express flight to Boston and back home. Low & behold, my home-bound flight gets cancelled & I had to take 2 planes to get home 5 hours later than I was originally scheduled to get home. After I had a full on panic attack at the airport while my ticketing was altered by the rep, after calling my mom & crying in her ear for a couple of minutes and trying to get myself together, I get on the planes to get home. Thankfully, I arrived safely without incident, but I walked away from RIC feeling like a fool ultimately b/c not only did I lose my cool, but I lost it in a very public setting. The fact that I was miles away from home & without the help & comfort of my mom had a great deal to do with it, but I cannot remember being in a situation where I was such an emotional wreck and completely out of control (by my standards). I mean, I wasn't screaming or falling out of anything, but not being able to stop the flow of tears in a public setting (for someone who DOES NOT cry in public) was unnerving and quite humiliating. So the question I have more for myself than anyone else is, what do I need to do so that I don't lose my mind when panic and fear kick in? I hardly ever panic and I have 1 fear. I do often stress over things, but I can handle that, I deal with it all the time. Panic is new, uncharted territory that, to be quite honest, I'm not a fan of. Typically, when I stress, a book or a call to my mom, or music will calm me down. It took a long time for all of the above to take effect and reduce my level of anxiety. The fact of the matter is, I made it home safely. I've made it home safely each time I've flown, hence me still being here today, but that doesn't stop the fear and anxiety from presenting itself each time I even THINK about flying, much less get to the airport and wait for the plane to get in & take off. I need to figure out how to deal with this. I would hate to have my fear take over so much of my life that it continues to limit me. Let's face it, I haven't been anywhere that can't be reached rather quickly by car or bus in a long time. There are places I want to go & things I want to experience, but this fear of flying is seriously limiting me. I freaked a little bit traveling over the water on the way to Boston...how in the world am I going to handle the Atlantic whenever I make it to Germany? Lord help me!!!