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This past weekend I went to a jazz fest here in Richmond. Let me preface this by saying I have never...NEVER...been to a jazz fest before in my life! As much as I love jazz & as much as I have listened to jazz I have had the opportunity to see it played live, in person, played by its original composer/musician little to no times. I'm sitting here trying to think of one time and, beyond seeing Anita Baker back in the 90's, I am coming up empty. The reason why has nothing to do with money & everything to do with timing. For some reason, the majority of the jazz fests that take place around my locale tend to fall on the 3rd Sunday, which is the Sunday I sing at my church. I'm don't like to miss that because its the one thing that I LOOOOVE to offer God whenever I can. Anywho, I was able to go to this one because it was in my city and I was able to rehearse & sing on Saturday & Sunday and still go and I had wonderful friends who were willing to foot the bill for me, as my funds were awfully low. So this past weekend I got to see Norman Brown, Chaka Kahn, Chuck Mangione & Boney James. All artists whom I have listened to for years and 2 of whom I have adored & treasured since I was a kid (Chaka & Chuck). On top of that, I was able to see and hear some people I've never heard before. Marcus Johnson, who's an awesome pianist. Ledisi, of whom I have heard but never really listened to because I don't like listening to the radio (too much repeat, too many commercials, too little variety). So overall, this past weekend was great (how many times have I said this?), but I came to the realization that I need more weekends like this. I don't get out enough. I don't allow myself to take advantage of the opportunities around me often enough for me to benefit from them in any way. I spend so much time doing things that don't really have anything to do with me & that would continue to function whether I was there or not, and not enough time doing things that I really would enjoy doing. Things that are different. Things that I need to do. I spend a lot of time thinking about what is and what isn't in my life. Where I am versus where I would like to be, held up against where I thought I would be by now. While I know there is nothing that I can do to change what has been done, I know that if I don't want my future to be the same as my past (which isn't bad) I need to change, I need to invite change & I need to accept change. I need to save for the shows I want to see. I need to save for the other jazz fests that happen withing 90 miles of my front door and make the time to go to them & enjoy them. I've been wanting to do the Dave Koz cruise for almost 4 years now. WHY HAVEN'T I GONE??? Partly because of the costs but mostly because I think about it, something else comes up and I push it to the side, never to think about it again until I hear about it on his web show. This has to stop! I have got to stop saying "I wanna" & start saying "I'm gonna" & frigging follow through. That's my commitment to myself. Rant over. Mind clear. Planning will commence tomorrow.

When Panic Sets In

Sooo this weekend I went to Boston for a reunion. First things first, I had an AWESOME time. It was my 1st time to Boston and there was so much to do in such a little bit of time, but I didn't feel too overwhelmed. It was a wonderful getaway...until I tried to get home. It is no secret to anyone that I hate flying...with a passion! I've been terrified of flying since I was a kid and PanAm starting dropping out of the sky and that plane of kids going to Europe crashed in the ocean. They never found all of the plane. Just bits & pieces. Anyway, those are the thoughts that plague my mind when the idea of flying crosses my mind. Waaaaaay in the back is the fear of a 9/11-type of event. Those unexplained crashes that nobody sees coming and no one understands, they stick out. Anyway, so I had fully prepped myself mentally & emotionally for taking an express flight to Boston and back home. Low & behold, my home-bound flight gets cancelled & I had to take 2 planes to get home 5 hours later than I was originally scheduled to get home. After I had a full on panic attack at the airport while my ticketing was altered by the rep, after calling my mom & crying in her ear for a couple of minutes and trying to get myself together, I get on the planes to get home. Thankfully, I arrived safely without incident, but I walked away from RIC feeling like a fool ultimately b/c not only did I lose my cool, but I lost it in a very public setting. The fact that I was miles away from home & without the help & comfort of my mom had a great deal to do with it, but I cannot remember being in a situation where I was such an emotional wreck and completely out of control (by my standards). I mean, I wasn't screaming or falling out of anything, but not being able to stop the flow of tears in a public setting (for someone who DOES NOT cry in public) was unnerving and quite humiliating. So the question I have more for myself than anyone else is, what do I need to do so that I don't lose my mind when panic and fear kick in? I hardly ever panic and I have 1 fear. I do often stress over things, but I can handle that, I deal with it all the time. Panic is new, uncharted territory that, to be quite honest, I'm not a fan of. Typically, when I stress, a book or a call to my mom, or music will calm me down. It took a long time for all of the above to take effect and reduce my level of anxiety. The fact of the matter is, I made it home safely. I've made it home safely each time I've flown, hence me still being here today, but that doesn't stop the fear and anxiety from presenting itself each time I even THINK about flying, much less get to the airport and wait for the plane to get in & take off. I need to figure out how to deal with this. I would hate to have my fear take over so much of my life that it continues to limit me. Let's face it, I haven't been anywhere that can't be reached rather quickly by car or bus in a long time. There are places I want to go & things I want to experience, but this fear of flying is seriously limiting me. I freaked a little bit traveling over the water on the way to Boston...how in the world am I going to handle the Atlantic whenever I make it to Germany? Lord help me!!!