Such a loss

Tonight I lost a near and dear friend. I am positively numb right now. I can't feel anything. My arms, my legs, my head...all numb. I don't want to sleep & I can't believe that he isn't here anymore. I can't believe that I'll never hug him again. I'll never hear his laughter or see his smile. I'll never watch him saunter/strut around the grounds at church anymore. I don't know if this hurts the same or more than it did when I lost my step-dad. My step-dad was sick for a year before he died. My friend was sick for 2 weeks. And now he's gone. I was talking to him last night, going over the football scores, and tonight he's gone. I gave him a hug and a kiss last night before I left his room, and tonight he's gone. All I feel is that he's gone. I've lost. His wife has lost. His kids have lost. His grand kids have lost. He was my extra dad. My backup plan. I dreamed of him walking me down the aisle if I ever got married (since my dad & I don't have the best relationship). I dreamed of him holding my future children and caring for them and being an example to them of what it really meant to be a strong, black, caring man. Now I have none of that. I didn't have 1 dream for my near future that he wasn't in. I feel like I've lost a part of me. A piece of my heart. He means so much to me and now he's gone. And I'm at a loss. I don't even know what else to say. I spent the whole day helping his family and I'm just getting to deal with me. I feel alone. Empty. Lost.